Halfway There (Almost)

it has been ages since i actually updated. o well. lots have happened, the good bad, happy and sad. mostly good though :)

1st of June already, time files. lets hope its nice to me.

Dead & Gone

gone are the days where promises meant something,

not just a string of words being uttered.

gone are the days where you have that one friend you could call at anytime, 

when you're having a bad day.

gone are the days where people said they'll never change,

and actually stuck to it what they truly believe in.

gone are the days where you could trust,

without having second thoughts.

gone are the days where we had the kindness of children,

always honest and true to themselves.

The Sh*t People Do

sometimes things work in the weirdest way ever.

sometimes, we'll never understand them.

sometimes we think we do, but sometimes, something happens,

changing that thought almost immediately.

sick of the word yet? i know i am.

the same way i'm sick of being the one trying,

but gets blamed for not putting in the effort.

whats funny though, is that the blame comes from the one avoiding.

the ball is now in your court.

That One Thought That Leads To Everything Else

it is when you're alone that you take a step back to observe,

and realise how loud the unspoken things are screaming, 

right in your face. something you've felt all along, but never wanted to believe it.

the smallest gestures, and the smallest actions you observe,

are the biggest slap in your face, probably.

it is then you question the many things you thought were right,

the people you thought were friends,

and confirm the gut feelings you've always had. 

not the most ideal way, but better late than never.

most importantly, it gets you thinking of everything.

every reason, and what else would be done. every single possibility.

the things you do against the things you get in return. how do they pan out?

it is then, you realise, that people tend to take you for granted. too often.

it is then, you realise, that the reason you'd prefer to be alone most of the time,

is due to the high levels of immaturity surrounding you all the time.

the rapid change in treatment, attitude, and actions,

they get tiring to deal with after a while. especially when it becomes something so predictable.

it is during times like these, that you realise things really are never gonna change,

when not one person has a strong stand, an unwavering mindset, 

or the courage to go against the norm,

for the fear of rejection, or being disliked is too high. 

i would like to think of them as cowards. just my two cents worth. 

not something i'd aspect people to agree with. dislike me for my blunt words and thought? go ahead.

because the day the majority of conforming cowards realise things, or change their mindset,

i'd be able to look back and know, that i've achieved a lot more than they have,

all because they wanted to be liked, and to please people. 

yes there are things i think of, that cannot be put into words.

there are ways i handle things that people do not understand.

you dont have to, really. cos sometimes i dont either.

but i know what's important in life, how to treat people, and what it takes to grow.

something that was not observed when i "took a step back".

Questions Without Answers

do we hold on to things because they mean something to us?

or is it because we like the idea of it?

or because we're so accustomed to having something in our lives,

that we just do not think about what it means to us?

so comfortable with how things are, 

that we overlook the mess its creating in our lives?

ever taken a step back,

to just look at where things have gone, 

how things have changed?

ever just gone into deep thought,

to think of what's needed,

and what we really want?

i have.

but i have no answer to those questions.

Scattered Rambling

this post is gonna be pretty scattered in terms of the flow cos i'm just gonna type whatever comes to mind :D

so everyone has left for their respective hometown, leaving not only my house empty, but also leaving kl a whole lot less jammed :) unfortunately for those in penang, its jammed no matter where you go. lets hope by the time i go back on wednesday, half the outstation-ers decide to pig out at home or something, so i can terrorize the empty streets :D

anyway, i said i'd update on the penang trip i had in december. well, i guess i got lazy. first two weeks of uni have passed. good news, bad news, all in one. more of bad than good though. hope it doesnt stay that way? well i shall not allow that to happen :) been making it a habit to study every night before i sleep. yea. i can imagine some of you reading would have collapsed due to a heart attack or something. but seriously. i've actually been studying. talk about weird. nerd mode : ON. well except for last night, that is.

you'd imagine that with the internet down for like.. two days (cos Alvin forgot to pay the bill. lol), i would have at least got some studying done yesterday. apparently not. being all alone in desa, without an internet connection, without any series left to watch, and no new songs to play on the guitar, kinda leaves you.. depressed =.= pretty much explains the unproductive-ness of yesterday. UNTIL wai kit decided to interrupt my bonding session with Kung Fu Panda on tv (yes, i was watching Po, dont judge me! lol) and suggested clubbing. finally, something to do. talk about last minute plans =.= lol. went to Vertigo. first timet here. gotta say, definitely beats Mist. Why? dancefloor, music, and crowd at vertigo was a whole lot better than Mist. i guess Mist is convenient cos its near Aaron's place. lol.

anyway the alone-ness will be ending tomorrow when i head to the airport :) indonesia, here i come. lets hope i dont die to an earthquake, tsunami or some volcano eruption. bird flu as well. gosh. stress =.= lol anyway i shall stop rambling now, since none of this make any sense anyway. 

happy CNY to those celebrating it! :) 

ang pows are always welcomed, thank you. (of course with cash in it) :) 

A Little Of Everything

loving this song thanks to emmy. if you cant view through the blog, go here. 


it has been a while since i updated. will do so, soon. too busy unpacking my stuff. for those of you who didnt know, i'm finally out of the jail hostel :D 

will be updating on the two weeks back in penang. but only when i feel less of a pig and more of a human being.

uni will be starting again in 3 days. hello, 3rd year. already feeling kinda lifeless, so thesis, please be nice to me. 

Of Weddings and Ceremonies, Bollywood Style

to the sister of mine in india, this is what you missed while you were counting buffaloes in india.

to the cousin in perth, sneak peak to what an indian wedding is like, sort of. the pre stuff and the dinner. lol. (its ok sash, i didnt know all this stuff existed. sesat much right? XD)

anyway, attended my cousin's pre-wedding ceremony thingy, and wedding dinner. note to self: if i were to get married to and indian who's Hindu, none of these ceremonies will/shall take place. i will just elope. or a simple garden wedding overlooking the sea :D sounds good, no? yes? yes. lol. anyway, didnt know all these ceremonies existed and i had no idea what they're for or what they're called. thats what happens when you're half chinese. LOL. didnt take many pictures cos there were many other ppl taking, 

so. here are some of the many i DID take :D for the sake of my sister. i deserve an award for being such an awesome sister *hints* ngehehe :D

prayer stuff. and. erm. stuff? yea.

food. the  best part of any function :D

the worlds laziest dog, Mario :)

Mum and Dad with cousin

Mum :D

Dad :D

mum being lost in what she's donig too. haha. 

the bride

Cousin; Piriya

mum; doing what the bride's aunt is supposed to do.
i dont know what though.

 that was the function in the morning, moving on to the one at night. you see what i mean by too many ceremonies for a wedding?! yeaaa =.=

Chocolate Mint cake made by mum, tasted so freaking good!

the function at night, apparently has to be done by the uncle aka my dad.
i find it weird but. hmm okay

parents again

Cousins

parents watching their drama =.= 

cousin-bonding/updating/gossiping time

 The next weekend, wedding dinner

the wedding car

Bride and Groom

Mum; one of the wedding planners. lol

Better with the lights out?

1984 till now :D

The younger generation

Family picture, sister  not here though, unfortunately

skinny ass and I :D

picture-fied post. it has been a while since i've done that. 

didnt take any pictures of the after-party us cousins had but lets just say it was the most impromptu thing, and well. weird. lol. sister of mine, you should have been around. never mind, the next wedding would be yours anyway, so yea. :D 

String of Thoughts

if you have issues with someone, talk to them about it instead of talking about them to others

decide if you wanna be nice or an ass. not both.

when you're surrounded by people who arent who they seem to be, you just stop bothering to be nice.

some people are so childish, they actually ignore others when they're left out of group plans.

you're so fickle minded that you're constantly sitting on the fence.

i know way too many people who are trying to be "Mr Nice Guy" to both sides.

those who change the way they treat someone just cos one of the group members does so, are people i'd like to refer to as those who have no stand in life.

self-invitation is something someone desperate would do. just saying.

someone you hardly know would seem nice and friendly. truth is, they can be the most manipulative person you've ever met.

all the crap you throw at me just proves that i'm a threat to you, and how insecure you really are.

being surrounded by many doesnt measure how happy you are, cos nobody is truly there for you. something i dont have to worry about.

there's only so many times you can get away with your sly plans, cos karma's a bitch. i'm sure you know that by now.

nothing beats the feeling of getting to watch someone get a taste of their own poison. especially when you did nothing to make it happen. told you karma's a bitch. 

 

Last Friday Night

Had a pretty good de-stressing night just before facing the tsunami of assignments which were just waiting to drown me. 

Awesome friends. Not so awesome music. Mad crowd. That night, summarized. :D

Jimmy and Wai Kit
:)

Sze Mun; so tiny, you'd lose her in a crowd. lol

Us girls; Sze Mun, Carel

Some of the guys

Mentally challenged friend of mine XD

Aaron; we can never seem to get a nice picture together :/ 

Shots

And more of the guys

yes, it was a good night indeed. and yes i was de-stressed. but my atm sure was stressed after that.! opportunity cost. lol. 

all pictures are courtesy of sze mun and sheylen

Doubts

You know how you can be so sure about something, yet doubt it with all your heart?

Thinking everything will be okay, but at the very same time, feeling like something's just gonna happen to mess that up?

Or constantly thinking about something you know you shouldn't be thinking about? 

The question is, how is it that something you were so sure about, suddenly turn into something thats just filled with doubts? 

Was it the right thing to do? Was it something that was not thoroughly thought about?

Suddenly, everything seems messed up. Doubted. Wrong.

And unsurprisingly, indescribable. 

It's Not Always A Bad Thing

we argue, we get hurt. we get angry. it happens all the time.

friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends.

and we think its never a good thing, arguing.

i beg to differ though. yes, we do not like how it feels.

but if we were to break it all down, and reason, 

you'd find that arguments aren't always bad. 

and no, i'm not crazy. look at it this way.

when we argue, it hurts, or we get disappointed, or get angry.

and we feel that way cos we expect more of the relationship.

the reason why we expect more is that it's important, and it matters.

it means something. isn't it good that it means something to you?

so yea. to those who always feel down when you argue, this post is for you.

at the end of the day, you should always feel a little glad.

the negative isn't always negative. or doesn't always stay that way.

 at least to me, this is how i'd like to look at it. besides, a little optimism wouldn't kill.

Could It Get Any Worse?

Presentation didnt go as well as i expected. frustrated.

Forgot to attend an experiment session, so its an extra 30-min session to attend. annoyed at myself

Trial run was pretty much a disaster. disappointed.

If the week could get any worse, i have nothing to say. 

And i seriously think its the worst week i've had this entire semester. 

i think that pretty much sums it all up.

What I Really Think

everyone has their limits. no matter how patient some one may be, cross that line and its like all hell breaks lose. when it comes to teasing someone about something, yea, its funny the first few times. more than that, its just plain annoying already. it may be funny to you, but how do you think the person you're talking about feels? they may smile and laugh it off. but on the inside, its a different reaction all together. whether is calling someone fat, or calling someone ugly. whether its making fun of them racially or in terms of their religion. its really not funny. so stop living in that bubble of yours, thinking its okay to just insult or crack jokes like that. cos contrary to what you may think, its really not that funny after all. people just tend to oblige and humor you, instead of saying to your face 'shut the hell up' or just punch you. or slap you. though that happens in some of our heads a lot.

yea we know how screwed up society is. you're fat if you're not skinny. the whole social stigma about fat people and stuff. and religion. you're allowed to be insulted/born to be insulted if you're a minority (even if you're the only one of the majority race in a social group) like, just cos the majority of the group is Chinese, everyone else is allowed to be insulted or made fun of. its seriously annoying and it pisses me off like hell. 

that girl you ugly or fat. its not her fault, and most of the time, its biological. its not her fault she doesn't look like your ideal plastic-kind-of-perfect person. its in the genes. so you wanna blame he parents? well they got their genes from their parents too. so who do you wanna go on blaming then? Adam and Eve? or God himself? to you, she's just a fat and ugly person. to someone, she's everything and more. you really wouldn't want someone to ask you if you have a mirror at home, do you? its not like you're perfect anyway. unless you want a mirror as a birthday present, look at yourself before passing judgment about others. and that girl you call fat? she may have a bigger heart that your skinny ass. if you even have one visible enough, that is. 

and those racial and religion-based jokes or comments people tend to make. its seriously insensitive. so much for being cultured and sensitive to the feelings of others around you. whats worse if things like this come from those who are majoring in a social science, who study things revolving around this issue. yea I'm half Indian, half Chinese. and i may be more inclined towards my Chinese side in me, but that doesn't mean you get to insult or make racist jokes about the other race I'm made of.

sometimes, the  urge to convey my thoughts, unfiltered, is so high. but those words may cut so deep that it'll just create more problems. or you're just too dense to even get it. trust me when i say I'm not the only one who thinks this way. people just keep quiet to avoid problems. and those judgments people tend to pass bout someone's behaviour? lets just say some of us are more mature and have reasons to the things we do and do not do. i'm no even gonna talk about that cos that itself could be one whole post already. 

anyway. I'm not saying we cant joke around and stuff. its just that there is a limit to everything. if your mouth keeps spitting out comments or insults all day, you're just becoming a real pain in the ass. stop being so insensitive. and seriously, people like that should learn to grow up and think their age. harsh, but true. i'm not going to apologize for speaking my mind, or just cos i have a different opinion from the majority.

*this post isnt directed to anyone in particular but more of a general opinion i have on the issue due to recent happening around me. kinda got me thinking*

One Of My Favourite Virgos

pic courtesy of adelene

Dear Aaron, 

First of all, we NEED to take more pictures together. there are so few, its actually depressing =.=

lol. nvm, we shall take more pics when you're back in 50days time okay? :)

anyway, happy birthday! :D its surprising you're only 20 when you dont think like one. i mean this in a good way, of course :D you're more mature than most of the 20-yr-olds i know. mature does not mean less retarded, of course XD speaking of retarded, i went to urban dictionary and saw this:

One of the most amazing people in the world. People named Aaron have an independent streak which makes them challenge the world. They are quiet and like their alone-time; however, they open up more and play around when their friends are around. People named Aaron are truly special. They can light up someone's world and the two of them can dance a dance of immense freedom. People named Aaron have curious minds that jump from idea to idea. (Each idea being spontaneous, crazy, and absurd.) They are usually shy to people they don't know, but shine when they are around people they are comfortable with. They are beautiful people, inside and out, who will go far in life with their determination and amazing sense of humour. People named Aaron are funny and can keep others entertained easily. They are easy to fall for and easy to make friends with. All in all, they are one of the most amazing people you will meet.

thats what urban dictionary says about your name. haha. well it does describe part of you, especially the first and the last line of it :)

i've known you for less than a year but look where we are now :) i'm glad i have you to call my really close buddy :) thank you for everything. all those long msn chats while you're in Perth, and all the small things you say, they mean a lot. they've made me get through my rough days, and made me look at things differently. i can say all the usual stuff like how you've always been there and all, but you already know those. so i'm just gonna tell you that i'm really thankful that i have you as a friend, and i mean that. cos sometimes, even words cant describe some things i wish to say. all i can hope for is that you know i mean what i say.

have a good one in Perth, okay? and of course, update me if anything interesting happens while you're out partying or something ;) cant wait for you to be back cos i miss you loads! and all your craziness. 50 more days, i'm so excited, its making me wanna roll around :D haha. Happy birthday again, aaron.

Lots of love, me.

Bits And Pieces Of Today

Went for today's University Live Event in uni (duh its uni live. lol) to look at the clubs being promoted. I figured that i better join something before i die of boredom and stress from assignments. Yea, this sem is by far the most stressful and packed one, but i need something to do, to keep my mind off studying for a while. The one thing i had in mind was that i wanted to sing again. I really miss those times in school when choir and quartet events made me so happy. Its the love, i guess. Entered the DSA and the choir club reps were the first to approach me. Do i want to join? Yes. Shoud i join? I dont know. After looking at their photos on facebook, i actually felt nervous. Thats not the worst part. I was wondering why was i nervous about something i love, and something i've had so much experience in? That was the most disturbing part. And because of that, i dont know if i should join. Decisions, decisions. Moving on.

Nice Inside Out? Or Just On The Outside?

lets be a little direct and truthful. life's a bitch. well it can be, at times. 

at times, its just rainbows and the birds and the bees.

life's so complicated and complex that when someone's nice to you, you doubt their actions.

you wonder if they're being true in those actions or if they're just going to screw you over.

cos you've been dealt with the same stuff over and over, till you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. brutally.

i mean, it makes sense if you were to look at it from a perspective like, say, conditioning?

especially when its the same person, or people, who execute their schemes all the time.

and we wonder why is it that people have trust issues? you'll get it once you've been made to trust someone, only to be treated in a way that you never thought would even be possible. 

if there's a reason, good. but what if there isn't? 

makes you doubt a whole lot more. not to mention, makes you trust a lot less.

the question is, who's truly nice, and who's just gonna screw you over?

you'll know in time.

Circle

you keep going round,

in a never-ending cycle.

repeating everything that has happened,

over and over again.

Here And Now

the stories we tell, the truth we hide.

all for the sake of protecting our feelings.

or even for protecting our self-esteem.

but those who lie, know the truth.

the truth that haunts every now and then.

who harbours the pain and hurt in the end?

i guess it serves its purpose at that point in time,

but in the end, we're only hurting ourselves with these lies.

but then again, human nature? maybe.

My Special Freaks

was looking at all the old SAM pictures. its scary, how time flies.

everyone's scattered all over the globe now. and i realised one thing.

i miss my freaks :(

faster come back laaaaaaa! :(

Pretty Girls

One Sentence

sometimes, you say things i do not understand.

do you really mean them as they were told?

or did it just come out wrong?

you confuse me, you frustrate me, and you drive me crazy.

before we know it, we're arguing about what has been said.

wanting to know the meaning behind it.

wanting to know the emotion felt behind that every word.

and in the process of it all, both parties end up getting hurt.

cos what has been said, wont go away. those words, cant be taken back.

and the memory of the way it made you and i feel,

it changes a lot of things.

all that because of one sentence that started it all.

One

Communication? What Communication?

we make decisions after we weigh our options,

or after we reason it out in our head.

whatever it is, there is a reason behind every decision we make in our lives.

thinking that should be the case for everyone, you ask 'why' when you're denied something.

and at that moment, that word 'why' becomes the prohibited word.

and you are not given any explanation, but you're shut down.

to make it worse, you were belittled just before being shut down.

just like that. frustrating isnt it?

early stages of a total communication catastrophe. mark my words.

Daryl

Dear dEryl,

where shall i start? well i'm pretty sure you remember how we became friends? you were the new guy in SAM, sitting all alone in the cafeteria. and i went and talked to you. so weird, i dont usually do that. well, thats why you should consider yourself VERY lucky ;) haha kidding. and i remember you asking me questions on bio in the library!! lol. few months down that year and we became close.

we've had our good times and bad. the super-lame-can-die moments, our arguments which were pretty often at one point, our heart-to-heart talks, and those moments where we were honest bout our good and bad sides. i remember skipping classes with you, and YOU skipping math to eat and talk in the cafeteria!!! haha best moments! and the times when we just fooled around about... almost everything? also, you were my dance partner during our SAM Night performance (points below). sorry for all the... erm.. pain i put you through. your foot, fingers and nose :D

despite all that we've been through, i'm glad our friendship is still going strong. although we've drifted apart slightly ever since uni happened in my life, i still care as much as i did back in SAM. may no show it but i do :)

3 years down our friendship and you're now leaving the nest for US of A. something you've always wanted. i'm gonna miss you :( i mean it. cos who's gonna be more retarded than me now that you're gonna be in the US? :( lets face it, your lameness is at par with mine okay. be proud! lol. anyway, i know its difficult to leave everyone here, going to a new place altogether. just remember how hard you worked for this. and remember how you never gave up despite many people doubted you, or suggested something else cos they thought US was gonna be a far fetch. well look at where you are now? you're all packed, and leaving tomorrow! well technically as i write this you're STILL packing but. yea. lol.

never told you this but i'm proud of you for not giving up on your hopes and dreams. pretty different from the Deryl back in SAM during our Human Awareness Essay in jon's house :) i know i wont have time to say all this at the airport tomorrow hence the post.

best of luck when you're there, and do take care okay? you earned this opportunity. stay strong no matter what. promise me that okay? love you loads.

p/s. and deryl.. yes you're good looking. YOU HAPPY NOW?! lol

Holes Inside

Take It To The Hole

Annoyingly addictive

That's All You Do

if all you're gonna do is shout,

all i'm gonna do is shut out the noise.

if all you're gonna do is to make me sound like a person who is self-absorbed and does not care about others around me,

you're just gonna make me push you further from me.

if all you're gonna do is judge the person i've become based on one situation,

you're never gonna know who i have grown to become in the past three years.

if all you're gonna do is assume things about me,

you're never gonna get the honesty cos there's no use explaining anyway.

why? cos you're not gonna listen. so much for being rational?

i have so much more to say but i'm holding back cos of who you are to me.

the rest of the lines shall be written in my mind.

p/s. in case you've forgotten, i'm pretty hard-headed myself. no amount of reverse psych is gonna work. why? i figure out every possibility to the reason why you're saying what you're saying.

Good Life

loving this cover! :)

4 Hours Of Retarded-ness

lunch with emmy at Sakae in Tesco (yes, tesco. lol) and coffee in Dome at Straits Quay + talking about anything and everything under the sun! not to mention, so many retarded moments. yea do not be fooled by her sweet looks =.= so. very. deceiving. haha!

had an awesome time with you today. as always. :)

and who knew we're actually similar in so many ways, eh? haha.

see you again soon, woman! REAL SOON. XD

Lies vs. Truth

have you ever wondered why some people lie or hide certain things from being known?

its because of the response you get, or all the negativity you get, after you tell the truth. or at least try to.

sometimes, these things are the ones that force us to lie, or hide things from others.

we think that its best to be honest, to come clean. but i guess that only happens in fairy tales?

and we know that 'reality' and 'fairytale' are two words that are placed on two totally opposite ends.

i guess honesty isnt always the best thing huh? its no wonder why people choose to lie.

everything seems a lot better and easier when we lie.i'm not saying its a good thing to lie, but sometimes, its the only option we have